Love Owes Me One

So let’s see if I can get this out and still make some sense…I want to be able to love without the fear of being hurt.  You know, the way you loved for the very first time.  You gave every piece of yourself to this other person without reservation.  You never thought of what heartbreak would feel like because you had not known it.  This is of course made it easy to believe in “happily ever after” because your heart had never known anything else.  That kind of love is all consuming and amazing, but nearly impossible to get again because in the back of your mind you remember what it felt like to lose it. 

I can say that I have loved more than once.  There was the first love that as a teenager feels like nothing you have ever known before.  And it was also my first heartbreak that left me cautious of future loves.  There was the second love that I entered into with prudence.  I was lucky to have someone who understood my concern.  He loved me like no one ever had and taught me so much about life.  Losing him was a heartbreak that I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I’d give almost anything just to say “I love you” to him again. 

Then there is the last installment on my book of love.  And this one has me beyond irritated at the moment.  We were together for 3 years through ups and downs (definitely more downs for me than for him).  I gave him chances and forgiveness that were ultimately met with nothing but betrayal.  Now let’s see how good your math skills are…3 years together and 2 ½ years into that, he got engaged to the woman he’d been seeing behind my back.  (just to keep it short, I’ve yet to understand why men cheat down instead of cheating up)  For those of you who didn’t catch that, he got engaged while we were still together and continued to see me.  I still owe his best friend a thank you for telling me the truth about that situation!  This all happened about a year and a half ago so my wounds have healed but the scars remain to remind me of the dangers of love.  Now a week ago I get a message informing me that he misses me…seriously?  You destroy my ability to love without fear of being replaced by some woman with cankles, and expect what from me when you say that you miss me.  If you stumble upon this blog and realize that it’s about you…hide your BMW.

Now all that being said…I’ve decided with the help of a dear friend of mine, NOT to pursue the most current male interest.  Even though it seems as if there are signs literally pointing in his direction, I am going to cease my pursuit.  We have been friends for nearly 13 years and he took my breath away the first time he kissed me.  I have been offered a job where he lives and randomly received pictures in the mail of us together from a couple that we had never met.  But he is a runner as well with baggage in tow (the crazy ex-girlfriend kind). 

I wish there was an erase button that you could use on all the things that you wanted to forget.  I wish that you could always love without the fear of being hurt.  I wish that everyone cared about the hearts of other people and thought about their actions before they became actions.  I believe that I have earned the right to be cynical about love, and yet there is still a part of me that wants so badly to feel it again.  For now I guess I will “keep the faith somewhere my day will come, gonna walk away, love owes me one.” (borrowed from Ronnie Dunn)