To Make You Feel My Love

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted, but I have been extremely busy.  Life has changed and I am happier now than I ever have been, but there are still a few things that I have to work out in my world…

It’s funny how the heart can fool the mind into believing things that are not quite true.  The battle between heart and mind is one that has long been fought by men and women both young and old.  It is a battle that will be fought for years into the future because the sad truth is…what the heart wants, the mind knows better than to have.

I find myself in this predicament.  My heart is racing at the very mention of your name but my mind keeps composure as it tells me not to go towards that road.  You don’t help me at all by playing the game my heart believes it can win.  You tell me fables of how you love and how your heart longs to be with mine, but you are not an available man.  You wear someone else on your arm and carry her heart with you, and yet you still seek to hold mine.  My mind reminds me of the truth as my heart spends days dreaming of you.  The truth is that if you were longing for me, much the way my heart longs for you, there would be no obstacle between us. 

So I spend my days battling the line between the truth and a fantasy that may never become.  You hold the power to our lives in your hands and I’m just waiting for the next play of the game.  In the mean time, “there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, to make you feel my love.”

Can't Go Back Now

I have a friend whom I love dearly that is going through what is possibly the most challenging time of their life.  (I will not make reference as to who this person is because the details are not mine to tell.)  This friend is battling addiction.  While I have experienced addiction second-hand, this is giving me new eyes into the situation.  My new eyes do not like what they see of the world and how it treats people suffering from addiction.  If you were to look-up the word in a dictionary you would find words like “dependence” and “persistent”.  However, no where in the dictionary does it explain the negative perception of people with an addiction.  Our society “persists” on frowning upon anyone with an addiction but doesn’t always offer a shoulder the addict can “depend” on in times of need. 

I have seen addiction and what it can do.  People I love are addicts to drugs and alcohol.  Some have sought help for these addictions and some will die at the hands of their disease.  Like it or not addiction is a disease.  (and for those of you who choose not to inform yourselves…depression is also a disease).  There is a clear distinction between people who choose not to get help and those who do and yet we treat them all the same.  A person who is attending meetings, seeing a professional and seeking information about how to help themselves is NOT the same as the junkie on the street who chooses to ignore advances from loved ones to get help.  Someone who is genuinely suffering because they are addicted knows that one little drink could make it all go away but chooses to restrain themselves does not deserve to be frowned upon.

I have chosen to stand beside my friend and offer my shoulder when theirs are too tired.  It hurts my heart to see them struggle and to hear the apologies fly from their mouth.  I’ve explained many times over that there is NO need to apologize for needing or wanting help.  There is NO shame in admitting to yourself or anyone else that you are addicted to something.  The shame and remorse are due when you fail to acknowledge your addiction and what it is doing to your life.

If you have someone who is struggling with addiction, please don’t cast them aside.  I understand that they may have hurt you, but you shouldn’t turn your back on them when they need you most.  To my friend who is fighting for the life you want and deserve (should you ever read this)…Know that I love you beyond words.  You are an amazing person and have always been a great friend.  I will be in your corner and always have your back no matter what comes our way.  I know that you can beat this ugliness that you are facing.  As your hands tremble and your body sweats, as your heart races and your mind betrays you, I will be there.  And I will be there on the other side when all of this is but a bad memory.  Forget all the people who look down on you because they are not important.  You will win this fight and no matter what, I will love you always.  “You and me walk on ‘cuz you can’t go back now” (“Can’t Go Back Now” by The Weepies)

Love Owes Me One

So let’s see if I can get this out and still make some sense…I want to be able to love without the fear of being hurt.  You know, the way you loved for the very first time.  You gave every piece of yourself to this other person without reservation.  You never thought of what heartbreak would feel like because you had not known it.  This is of course made it easy to believe in “happily ever after” because your heart had never known anything else.  That kind of love is all consuming and amazing, but nearly impossible to get again because in the back of your mind you remember what it felt like to lose it. 

I can say that I have loved more than once.  There was the first love that as a teenager feels like nothing you have ever known before.  And it was also my first heartbreak that left me cautious of future loves.  There was the second love that I entered into with prudence.  I was lucky to have someone who understood my concern.  He loved me like no one ever had and taught me so much about life.  Losing him was a heartbreak that I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I’d give almost anything just to say “I love you” to him again. 

Then there is the last installment on my book of love.  And this one has me beyond irritated at the moment.  We were together for 3 years through ups and downs (definitely more downs for me than for him).  I gave him chances and forgiveness that were ultimately met with nothing but betrayal.  Now let’s see how good your math skills are…3 years together and 2 ½ years into that, he got engaged to the woman he’d been seeing behind my back.  (just to keep it short, I’ve yet to understand why men cheat down instead of cheating up)  For those of you who didn’t catch that, he got engaged while we were still together and continued to see me.  I still owe his best friend a thank you for telling me the truth about that situation!  This all happened about a year and a half ago so my wounds have healed but the scars remain to remind me of the dangers of love.  Now a week ago I get a message informing me that he misses me…seriously?  You destroy my ability to love without fear of being replaced by some woman with cankles, and expect what from me when you say that you miss me.  If you stumble upon this blog and realize that it’s about you…hide your BMW.

Now all that being said…I’ve decided with the help of a dear friend of mine, NOT to pursue the most current male interest.  Even though it seems as if there are signs literally pointing in his direction, I am going to cease my pursuit.  We have been friends for nearly 13 years and he took my breath away the first time he kissed me.  I have been offered a job where he lives and randomly received pictures in the mail of us together from a couple that we had never met.  But he is a runner as well with baggage in tow (the crazy ex-girlfriend kind). 

I wish there was an erase button that you could use on all the things that you wanted to forget.  I wish that you could always love without the fear of being hurt.  I wish that everyone cared about the hearts of other people and thought about their actions before they became actions.  I believe that I have earned the right to be cynical about love, and yet there is still a part of me that wants so badly to feel it again.  For now I guess I will “keep the faith somewhere my day will come, gonna walk away, love owes me one.” (borrowed from Ronnie Dunn)

Life's Little Eye Openers

It’s amazing to me how just when you think you can’t go any further in life, something happens.  It’s something that makes your eyes open a little wider, your heart beat a little faster, your breathing gets a little steadier.  It could be anything, a song on the radio, a phone call from a friend, a little piece of Heaven here on Earth.  It also amazes me that our little gift doesn’t come until we hit that point of return.  That spot in our heart that is so deep and dark that even we may not have known that it existed.  I have asked (more like screamed at the top of my lungs) WHY?  I have prayed through tears and pain needing only a reprieve from the life I was living…and it wasn’t until I reached my breaking point that my little miracle appeared.

I say all this now because I had yet another “eye opener” recently.  I run from things, it’s the most effective way that I have found to cope (aside from writing).  I’ve had my heart ripped from my chest, destroyed and then handed back to me…nearly lifeless and barely beating.  (The subject of which will be a blog of its own very soon.)  Remembering this feeling has caused me to run like a cheetah that hasn’t eaten for a week after its prey.  I sabotage anything close to a relationship before it even starts.  This has been the story of my life for almost two years (it wasn’t much better before that).  Now I have landed upon someone who scares the very breathe out of me and I’m ready to run.  I’ve been fighting with myself having only a few friends to play my conscience telling me to keep my feet planted this time.  Of course, I haven’t been doing a good job of listening…until yesterday, when I was reminded once again of how short life is.  I think of the angel that heaven gained yesterday and how hard she fought to live a happy and full life.  I think of the hand she was dealt, to battle cancer at such a young age.  I think of all the angels heaven has gained in my lifetime and those that are still fighting.  And I wonder…what would I regret?  I know how ugly regret feels and it isn’t something I’d like to feel again.  Yet, I still make the decision to run from what may hurt me.  Is that living life to the fullest?  I don’t know that I believe the saying “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”  Until you have truly lost love, you won’t know either. 

So if you can love, love with your whole heart.  Remember that life changes in the blink of an eye and nothing should be taken for granted.  Take today to look at the good in your life and say “Hello World, how you been?”  (borrowed from Lady Antebellum)

Dedicated to the memory of Britni…may you smile upon us from Heaven!

a first look

So I'm thinking that it's time for me to try my hand at blogging.  I've been writing a book for the last year and I seem to always get bogged down in the details...the cure I'm guessing is keeping things short and sweet.  So here it goes...

I am a young woman looking for answers about life.  Yes, I know that everyone is doing the same so this doesn't make me special.  My life has been devoted to fulfilling the dream of graduating from college and now that I have, I realize that I am standing at a crossroads.  One that is forcing me to look not only at the roads that lay before me, but at the one that I have traveled.  A person can never escape their past and yet I've been running from mine for as long as I can remember.  I still get the urge to lace up my running shoes and take off at a moments notice. 

I have a few friends that know this about me and they remind me of how I shouldn't run...unfortunately, I seldom listen.  This can be proven alone by stating how many times I have moved in less than ten years ...roughly 12.  If you were to ask me what I was running from (or better yet what I was running towards), my answer would vary depending on the day.  Maybe it is someone from my past, maybe it is a memory, maybe it is love.  The truth is, somedays I may not even know; I just run.  Running is easier than facing the life before and behind me.  The easiest explaination would be to quote a song (which is something that I do A LOT)..."I've got a gyspy soul to blame."

So stay tuned for the truth (no matter how ugly it may be) about my life...or even life in general (at least how I see it).